14 Ways to Validate Without Ever Saying a Word

All of us need validation. We can validate ourselves and we can also validate others to help improve our relationships.

Validation means that we are acknowledging another person’s experience, thoughts, emotions, values, or goals.

When we validate others, we are communicating, “You are important to me” We often feel loved and understood when others validate us.

In healthy relationships, there’s lots of back-and-forth validation between people. Validation is not a one-way street so it’s important that we find ways to validate each other. It’s not fair when one person is working overtime to validate a spouse, partner, or friend.

While we can verbally validate others, we can also practice validating without ever saying a word. This is also known as nonverbal validation.

Today you could validate a family member or a friend by:

• Giving a small gift
• Making someone you love breakfast in bed
• Mailing them a postcard or a greeting card with a sweet note
• Texting them a funny meme or gif
• Holding someone’s hand
• Completing a household chore
• Running an errand for your family member
• Listening (and not giving advice)
• Giving someone a tissue when they are sniffling
• Getting someone a sweater when they are cold
• Surprising a friend with their favorite coffee
• Being gentle
• Leaving a sticky note on their mirror with an encouraging word
• Just being quietly present

Here’s my relationship challenge for you: Find one way to validate a friend or family member each day. This validation can be verbal or non-verbal. You can also ask yourself, “What does my family member or partner really appreciate?” or “How does my child want to be validated?”

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If you are looking for additional information on creating more meaningful communication, please check out the following resources.

• The BPD Wellness Planner for Families by Amanda L. Smith

• The Power of Validation by Karyn Hall and Melissa Cook

• Genuine Validation: Compassionate Communication That Transforms Difficult Relationships at Home and Work by Corrine Stoewsand

• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Mental Health Smoothie for Borderline Personality Disorder

Is it possible to treat the symptoms related to borderline personality disorder (or BPD) naturally and without medications?

We have so much evidence that increased daily intake of fruits and veggies not only help us feel better physically but they may help us to become more emotionally healthy.

In this particular study in the journal Nutrients (2020), a meta-analysis of almost 61 published articles on a potential food-mood connection concluded that:

The most prominent results indicated that high total intake of fruits and vegetables, and some of their specific subgroups including berries, citrus, and green leafy vegetables, may promote higher levels of optimism and self-efficacy, as well as reduce the level of psychological distress, ambiguity, and cancer fatalism, and protect against depressive symptoms.

This is important information for our emotional well-being.

One of my favorite ways to get more fruits and vegetables into my diet is by enjoying a smoothie several times a week.

This is an easy recipe that will appeal to many people who are trying smoothies for the first time.

Blueberry Almond Smoothie

1 cup frozen blueberries
1 frozen or fresh banana
1/2 avocado
1 tablespoon of flaxseed
1 cup of almond milk
1/2 cup water

If you are feeling ambitious, you can make your own almond milk by following this recipe.

Blend with two or three cups of ice anywhere from 30 seconds to one minute depending on the power of your blender. This makes a pretty thick smoothie. Add extra water if needed.

This recipe has approximately 350 calories and has over 100% of the daily requirement Vitamin E, 50% of the daily requirement Vitamin A, 63% of the daily requirement Vitamin B6, 30% of the daily requirement of Vitamin C, and 40% of the daily requirement of magnesium.

If you’d like an additional boost of Vitamin K, Vitamin A, and magnesium, you can add a cup of fresh spinach to your smoothie. (You can’t taste the spinach—I promise.)

Of course, you don’t need to have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder in order to benefit from this smoothie. We know that increased fruit and vegetable consumption can help people who have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and even schizophrenia. Please check out this article for more information.

I’d love to learn more about your favorite smoothie ingredients. Write to me today and let me know what kinds of foods are helping you to be your very best. My email address is amanda@hopeforbpd.com.

One more thing: Take a moment and check out my recipe for Chocolate Avocado Pudding.

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Other articles that may be beneficial to read:

Evolution of Well-Being and Happiness After Increases in Consumption of Fruits and Vegetables (2016)

Antidepressant Foods: An Evidence-Based Nutrient Profiling System for Depression (2018)

Nutritional Psychiatry: Towards Improving Mental Health by What You Eat (2019)

Is Exercise a Treatment for BPD? (2020)

The Role of Validation in Creating Healthier Families

You already know that validation can be one of the most effective ways that you can close the communication gap with your loved one.

It’s important for family members and friends to know that validation isn't just something you say ("I can see that you really feel strongly about this.") or text, but also something you do. For instance, we validate each other when we give hugs, put our phones down and make eye contact, or when we hand someone a tissue when they're crying, or a blanket when they are feeling cold. 

This is especially true if your family member's love language is acts of service.

External validation is validation that comes from other people. This might include the validation we receive from parents, spouses, friends, strangers on the internet, and work colleagues. Internal validation comes from within. It may be that small voices that tells us, "You're okay. This is tough but you'll make it through this."

The problem, however, with needing that external validation is that it may not always be accessible. Sometimes people simply don't know what to say or do. Other times people don't know when their family member is desiring validation. Even the best validators in your family may miss the mark at times. It's unrealistic to think that we can be perfectly validating at any given moment.

A lot of people desire that external validation but we want to recognize that the ability to validate our experiences, emotions, thoughts, values, and urges is also important. 

The healthiest individuals I work with can often tell themselves things like:

* Emotions are just emotions, and thoughts are just thoughts.

* I can solve this problem myself and ask for help if I need it.

* I can have my values and still love others with different values at the same time.

* I can do hard things.

* Sometimes people are just upset about other things, but they aren't necessarily mad at me.

* It's okay to want a hug right now.

Of course, self-validation is a learned skill and not something that comes easily for most people with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. All of us get better at self-validation when we consistently embrace moments when we can self-validate. That may be obvious to you but may not be quite so apparent to your loved one.

When you validate your family member, you model an essential life skill for them. The fact is that most people will need for you to do this for them before they can do it on their own.

Will you be that person in your loved one's life today? 

If you love someone with borderline personality disorder, please check out my 12-week course for families.

Borderline Personality Disorder Recovery: Are Your Beliefs Holding You Back?

Do your thoughts ever get in the way of being the person you want to become? For many people with BPD, limiting beliefs and a bias toward negativity may be something important that prevents them from healing and reaching their goals.

For instance, do (or your family member) you ever think:

• It’s not safe for me to recover.

• I cannot get what I need to recover.

• I don’t have the support to recover.

• I am undeserving of recovery.

• I’m not ready to recover.

• I’m unable to recover.

• I cannot recover.

• I don’t want to recover.

• I will be alone if I recover.

Thinking, “Why bother?” or “I’ll only fail again,” prevents people from stepping out of their comfort zone and taking the steps that will lead them to healthier lives and better relationships. These next steps might include an evidence-based therapies like dialectical behavior therapy or mentalization-based treatment. Even a self-help approach like NAMI Connection’s model of weekly support and education or Recovery International may be helpful. A self-compassion practice is also something that may be helpful in changing limiting or defeating beliefs.

How Family Members Can Help

Family members and friends can help by letting their loved one know that they believe in them and their ability to heal. Recovery work can be long and family members will benefit from being patient. The individual’s support system should be encouraged to celebrate small successes along the way while recognizing that motivation to complete the work may continue to rise and fall due to the non-linear process of recovery. A pause in the work does not mean that the person has failed.

One of my favorite bits of wisdom about recovery from borderline personality disorder comes from Marsha Linehan, PhD—the creator of dialectical behavior therapy. I love sharing this quote is from her book, Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Improvement will not result from simply visiting a therapist and gaining insight, taking a medication, receiving consistent nurturing, finding the perfect relationship, or resigning ourselves to the grace of God. Most importantly, the therapist cannot play the role of savior. While it may be true that the person cannot change on their own, and needs help, the lion's share of the work must be done by the person with the problem.

Countless people all over the world have found both hope and healing from borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder can learn to help themselves. Please don’t assume that you (or your family member) are the exception.

Recovery is possible.

If you love someone with borderline personality disorder, please check out my 12-week course for families.

Five Mindfulness Apps (to Help You When You're Learning DBT)

Mindfulness practice is one of the core components to dialectical behavior therapy (or DBT). In fact, DBT wouldn’t be as effective as it is without it. That’s how important mindfulness is when it comes to helping people to manage both their thoughts and emotions.

For most people, learning how to be mindful will take a lot of practice. While you don’t need to devote hours each day or week to practicing these skills, two minutes here and five minutes there every day there should be enough time to help you notice a difference in a month or two. Consistency is the key to when it comes to noticing the benefits of mindfulness.

One of the reasons why I love recommending mindfulness apps is because they give us a place to start that is fairly easy to access.

Here are five app ideas to help you establish a daily mindfulness practice. My hope is that you’ll find one that encourages you to take your mindfulness game to the next level.

Calm
Getting a good nights' rest, relaxation, and meditation can all go a long way towards alleviating symptoms of both depression and anxiety. The Calm app is one of the more popular mindfulness apps out there. Their guided meditations are great for users of all levels, from brand new beginners to seasoned meditators. The app lets you pick how much time you want to devote to app usage every day. When you deal with anxiety, a good night's rest is one of the first things to get problematic. The app gives you a long list of daily meditations you can use every day. One special feature that Calm offers its users includes its sleep stories and nature stories. Yes, you can listen to bedtime stories before you go to sleep, just like when you were a kid. These two features can help you get a restful slumber night after night.

You can find Calm here.

MindShift
MindShift helps teens and young adults gain basic skills to manage their anxiety symptoms. This free app can help reduce mild symptoms of the following anxiety disorders:

• Generalized anxiety disorder
• Social anxiety
• Panic attacks
• Phobias

This app can also manage worry, performance anxiety issues, perfectionist tendencies, and test anxiety. The skills that you can learn on this app can get applied to emotional, physical, behavioral, or cognitive versions of anxiety. It provides you with more balanced ways of thinking about life situations that scare you.

The app does a great job of offering long lists of coping strategies that depend on the type of anxiety you have. The strategies and information that you get are really simple and clear. Mental imagery, breathing exercises, and mindfulness strategies can be accessed in both text and audio format. You can use the "Quick Tips" feature to help you with anxiety in the moment. On the app, you can even "favorite" the anxiety fighting methods that you liked the best. MindShift won't help you if you want to track your anxiety symptoms over time. You will also have a hard time with the app if you're overwhelmed with the presentation by a lot of choices.

You can find the MindShift app here.

Sanvello
Sanvello teaches anxiety-fighting methods such as deep breathing, the identification of cognitive distortions, behavioral exercises, and the use of more positive thinking patterns. As an app, users find great benefits from using it between sessions with their treatment provider. Sanvello does a good job of personalizing the cause of your anxiety through voice recordings. It also introduces cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) methods as well as reinforcing different app exercises between therapy sessions.

Check out Sanvello here.

WorryWatch
If you deal with anticipatory anxiety, constant worry, and generalized anxiety disorder, WorryWatch will give you good self-monitoring exercises as well as the documenting of your worrisome moments through a menu featured in the app. You'll also get a tool that categorizes your moments of worry through different factors. You will also be prompted by the app to think about whether the moment of worry in question was really as bad as you originally stated.

The app was created by a developer who has generalized anxiety disorder. While the app can't replace therapy completely, it can serve as a supplement to treatment. Don't download WorryWatch if you have trouble working with graphical data. More users might get more benefits from the app if there was a tutorial that taught people how to use WorryWatch's main features. However, the app does do a wonderful job of giving you the visual evidence of the frequency, intensity, and the duration of your cognitive distortions.

Click here to learn more about WorryWatch.

Nature Sounds Relax and Sleep
Some of the bigger symptoms of anxiety include ruminating and racing thoughts. But you can breathe deeply, slow down, and clear away all of your thoughts with the sights and sounds of nature. Nature Sounds Relax and Sleep features both of these things. From rain and thunder to bird sounds and crackling fires, there really is something for every type of user with anxiety and sleep issues. You can set the app's timer to "listen" while you slowly drift off to sleep. You also have the opportunity to set one of the app's nature tracks as your morning alarm. This way you can start your day with a slightly more charming track than that incessant beeping that comes with most clocks and phones.

Click here to download this app on Apple.

Remember: No app, free or paid, can replace the help and assistance of a trained mental health professional. If you have questions about using your DBT mindfulness skills, it’s okay to ask for help.

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If you’re looking for additional information about DBT, check out these resources and ideas:

DBT Self-Help

A Review of Marsha Linehan’s Memoir: Building a Life Worth Living

DBT-inspired Art Journaling Prompts

Mindfulness with Music

An Interview with Carol Lozier, LCSW—Author of DBT: Therapeutic Activity Ideas for Kids and Caregivers

Yay! I get so excited about sharing new books and resources about DBT. My hope is that you enjoy this interview with Carol Lozier, LCSW. —Amanda

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Please tell us about you and how you came to create DBT: Therapeutic Activity Ideas for Kids and Caregivers.
I am a licensed clinical social worker and have been in practice for over 30 years, and in private practice for about 20 of those years. It’s hard to believe I’ve been in practice that long, but I quickly realize time has flown by as my two children are grown and I have a beautiful 2 year old granddaughter, Lexi, and a handsome 1 year old grandson, Liam.

I specialize in working with children and teens who have a history of foster care, adoption, or trauma. I also see adults who have experienced trauma in their life. I feel very blessed to work with a very diverse group of youth due to my area of specialization. As a result, the children and teens I see in my therapy practice are from all over the world, such as Ethiopia, Congo, China, Ukraine, Guatemala, and many other countries.

Before I even began this book, I had already created several DBT handouts and worksheets for children. In sessions, I wanted to explain the DBT concepts and skills to the children and caregivers, but there were not any handouts or worksheets available for this age group. I did have ones from my teen book (DBT Therapeutic Activity Ideas for Working with Teens), but the language and examples were too sophisticated for this young population.

For this book, DBT Therapeutic Activity Ideas for Kids and Caregivers, I knew I wanted to self-publish it as oppose to using a publishing company. Not only did I write the book, but I also had to draw each illustration on the pages. I had a wonderful time drawing the illustrations and creating the handouts and worksheets. I’m a DIY kind of girl, so it was a lot of fun for me!

How did you become interested in DBT?
I have been a licensed clinical social worker for over 30 years. When I started out as a young therapist, I felt very overwhelmed as I truly wanted to help others, and I knew that I had a lot to learn to become an effective clinician. I decided to get the best supervision from experienced clinicians as well as continued training in order to become the type of therapist I wanted to be for my clients. Over the years I’ve gone to numerous trainings on different therapeutic modalities. I became a certified EMDR therapist (I’ve since let my certification go), and am highly proficient in other processing therapies.

While the children and teens in my practice were improving—their trauma was healing and their triggers had lessened—I noticed that they did not have adequate life coping skills. At that time, I began to look for a way to help them improve their coping skills and I happily landed on DBT. I found Dr. Linehan’s teaching site, Behavioral Tech, and started taking DBT webinars and trainings. This year, I completed the 16 month training and am now an intensively trained DBT clinician.

Whom did you have in mind when you were writing this book?
As I stated earlier, before I began the book I had already created several DBT handouts and worksheets. As I was creating the sheets and writing the book, I was using each handout and worksheet in my practice. Sometimes they worked great with the children and families, and sometimes they needed to be tweaked a few times. I adjusted the handouts and worksheets until the children fully understood and were able to effectively use them, knowing that all of the pages would eventually be presented in book form to the same age population.

What do family members or caregivers need to know about teaching these skills to younger children?
I think caregivers or family members need to be aware that it is necessary for them to walk alongside the child as they use and implement these skills in their daily life. Caregivers must be fully on board for the child to be successful in his or her endeavor to behave skillfully. I often tell caregivers that their home needs to become a “DBT home,” meaning that everyone in the family is familiar and uses DBT skills and language.

When the caregiver notices an opportunity for the child to practice or use one of the skills, it is most helpful for them to do the skill alongside the child, rather than just tell the child to do it. The plan is that the child will see the caregiver using the skill, and voluntarily ask about it or follow along the caregiver and do the skill too.

Carol Lozier, LCSW is an intensively-trained DBT therapist in Louisville, Kentucky.

Can anyone learn these skills?
Yes! Anyone can learn and use these skills. Of course, like any new task it is important to have a coach or mentor as you start your new venture. In DBT, there is a large amount of new language and skills to learn, understand, and put into action. Therefore, it is most effective for a family to have an experienced DBT therapist or trainer as they are learn DBT. In today’s world, there are many DBT therapists or trainers online if a family does not have an experienced DBT therapist or trainer in their community.

What are your favorite DBT skills?
This is a hard question because I have so many favorites! I would say my top favorites to teach children and families are the TIP skills and Repairs for children, and Validation for caregivers. I like the TIP skills because they give children and caregivers an immediate skill to reduce extreme emotions and behaviors such as yelling, arguing, and hitting. Typically, families also like this skill as it is quickly helpful in managing extreme emotions in the home and school.

The Repairs skill is important as it teaches children an effective way to apologize when they have hurt—whether intentional or accidental—other people. Sometimes, children want to repair relationship hurts and they are not quite sure how to do it . . . . even though caregivers think they already understand how to apologize. This skill provides them with the necessary guidance to apologize in a meaningful and effective way.

Lastly, I like the Validation for caregivers skill as it is a vital ingredient for behavior change to occur in the child. When a child is validated, they feel heard and understood which allows the door to open for the caregiver to push for behavior change. In DBT, there are six levels of validation for caregivers to learn and use in daily life with their children.

What books are you currently reading?
I love to read, and I am almost always reading a professional book and a book for pleasure. Right now I am reading Dr. Linehan’s memoir, Building a Life Worth Living, and a book by Robyn Carr titled, The Country Guesthouse.

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Thank you, Carol! You can visit Carol Lozier, LCSW’s web site by clicking here.

Self-Stigma: Can People with BPD Learn to Accept Themselves?

Self-Acceptance and Borderline Personality Disorder

Sometimes the greatest stigma people may face comes from within.

Many of the symptoms that develop as a result of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are a direct cause of a person’s insecurity in relationships or a lack of self-acceptance. Unfortunately, a lot of people with BPD also believe that they are worthless or aren’t worthy of love and respect from others.

When people with BPD do not accept themselves, they may have a harder time getting along with others and they may engage in self-sabotaging behaviors where they don’t allow themselves to reach important academic or vocations goals. This lack of self-acceptance may also lead to feelings of self-hatred. Individuals with BPD who are unable to accept themselves may be particularly at risk for self-injury or even suicide attempts. It’s also common for people with BPD who have a harder time accepting themselves to feel isolated or lonely.

Accepting yourself is an important part of recovery from BPD. When you love and respect yourself, others will respond positively.

How to Improve Self-Acceptance

1. Get Professional Help

It's absolutely okay to get professional help. Go to a therapist in your insurance network. They can help properly diagnose you and talk to you about your journey to self-acceptance. If you have already been diagnosed, feel free to mention that to your therapist. Also, you should be mindful of what different professionals can do.

If you are looking for a therapist or a recommendation for treatment, I may be able to help. Click here to learn more about working with me.

2. Find a Creative Outlet

A common symptom of people with BPD is that they sometimes lack control over their emotions or their emotional responses may be hurtful toward others.

Many people find relief in having a creative outlet as a way to cope with their emotions. You have the ability to play music, dance, sing, sculpt, color, knit, create an art journal, or write as a way of exploring your emotions. Over time, you will develop a healthy sense of pride or accomplishment as you improve. These emotions pave the path toward self-acceptance and self-love.

3. Accept Your Flaws

Absolutely everyone has flaws—including you. It's okay to have flaws or make mistakes. It makes you human. It’s also what helps make you special. It would be boring if everyone is perfect.

Missteps and failure can be a powerful learning experience. You probably know someone who has overcome a lot of obstacles and still accomplished great things. Those failures can also help make our successes all that more meaningful. For many people, a self-compassion practice can be beneficial.

4. Develop a Support System

As someone who struggles with self-acceptance, you need a support system to help bring you up when you are feeling down. You can probably find a great support system in your own world right now. Talk to parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends when you need a little boost. Of course, you need to remember to be there for them when they need it, too.

Of course, many people don’t have a very supportive or validating family. It doesn't mean they are a bad family—it just means they don't understand how to be supportive for you. Thankfully, there are other options. Talk to your therapist about support groups or other mental health resources. You may be able to meet people at the support group and develop a support system that way. Once again, make sure to return the favor when someone else needs it.

I love recommending organizations such as NAMI Connection and Emotions Matter. If you love Twitter, check out #BPDChat.

5. Emphasize Physical Health

When you feel good on the outside, you will feel better on the inside. Some people may indulge in processed, high-calorie foods during moments of self loathing.

Instead, make a point to care for your physical health. You can eat well by opting for more fruits and vegetables. There’s so much evidence that exercise may be very beneficial, too. You'll be amazed at how much of a difference focusing on your physical health can make on your emotional outlook.

6. Recite Positive Affirmations

Positive affirmations are little phrases you can recite in the mirror or even in your head to help you when you need a little boost throughout the day. These affirmations can be divided into different sections, including "beauty affirmations" and "you can do it affirmations". When you need to feel good about your appearance, read the beauty affirmations. They should be a list of things about your own best feature and general beauty affirmations. When you need some support in your job or getting motivation to be there for friends and family, read the "you can do it" affirmations.

If you’re interested, I have a list of coping statements for people who have high urges to engage in self-harming behaviors I’d love for you to check out.

7. Choose Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a choice we make to help ourselves.

People often carry past trauma with them through for years. That trauma can make things much heavier than necessary emotionally. You need to learn how to forgive people to release the weight of this trauma. Whether it was a parent or an old friend, you can learn how to forgive the people who hurt you. This does not mean you forget about the pain or the consequences of those actions.

8. Meditate

There’s so much research to suggest that mindfulness and meditations practices can help us to reduce stress so that we can become more emotionally resilient. There are a number of guided meditation videos online to help you make the most of your experience. I love this self-acceptance meditation.

9. Help Others

If you want to accept yourself, you’ll find that it’s helpful to turn your focus away from yourself for several hours a week and aim that focus to people who could use your help. Spend your time helping others. You can start by visiting friends and family. You can also get involved in a charity. You will feel better about yourself at the end of the day.

10. Focus on Small Progress

Many people want to see huge progress overnight. The truth is that you probably won't see much progress right away. You should be patient and focus on small progress. Start with a small goal, such as waking up a little earlier every day, getting some exercise most days, eating well, or visiting a family member or friend every weekend. When you are able to accomplish that first step, add a new, slightly more challenging goal. In enough time, you will begin to find moments here and there when are are not only accepting yourself but you might even love yourself. When you think about yourself compared to a year or two earlier, you'll feel accomplished.

Aim for progress and not for perfection.

12 Ways to Self-Soothe with Touch: Ideas from Dialectical Behavior Therapy

It's difficult to fathom a life without stress and anxiety. No matter what we do, there are things that we encounter in our day to day lives that challenge us. As the challenges build, so does the anxiety and frustration with which we all have to live.

Given these challenges, it's incumbent on everyone to figure out how to take care of themselves. That includes taking care of themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Of course, learning to take care of oneself also creates challenges, and the cycle continues.

No one knows you better than you know yourself. That's why you are the one who needs to learn how to take care of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Keeping in mind that stress and anxiety adversely affect our lives profoundly and in so many ways, we need to figure out ways to manage the negativity.

Believe it or not, we all have the tools we need to soothe the anxieties and stresses that interfere with our quality of life. Those tools include our own hands, self-awareness, and imagination. The following sections are going to focus on 12 ways you can self-soothe with the magic of touch. If you will give these self-soothing methods a try, you might find yourself better able to take control of your life.

1. Massage Your Temples

Many times, stress is nothing more than a mental state of mind. If you want relief from mental stress, it would make sense to go right to the source. Your temples are pressure points. When you get a headache, you can soothe the pain of the headache by massaging your temples. Since stress and anxiety are two of the top causes of headaches, it makes sense that massaging your temples for stress relief is appropriate.

2. Take a Warm Bath with Epsom Salts

When stress and anxiety come calling, your muscles tend to tighten up. That's the body's way of saying everything is not okay. Warm water has a calming and relaxing effect on the skin and muscles. It could be quite a treat to run yourself a warm bath, toss in some epsom salts, and let yourself relax while your problems are washed away. After a nice long warm bath, it's hard to walk away feeling anything but relaxed and refreshed.

3. Squeeze a Ball

With a lot of stress and anxiety building up inside you, you might have a tendency to get uptight. That might lead to feelings of aggression. If you are looking for a way to soothe your feelings of aggression while not being aggressive, you might find that squeezing a runner ball or maybe even silly putty will help. It might afford you a chance to transfer your aggression to the item you are squeezing—without hurting yourself or others.

You can create your own stress ball by following these instructions.

4. Get a Massage

Something is amazing about human touch. Mentally, another person's touch reminds us we are not alone. Physically, the body just loves human contact. The reason most babies don't feel stress is because they are constantly receiving physical comfort from the touching of other people.

If you have never had a truly soothing massage, there's a good chance you haven't lived yet. From your skin through to your muscles and organs, every part of your body will experience the soothing benefits of a really good massage.

5. Give Yourself a Pedicure and Manicure

A lot of people find it very pleasurable, soothing, and satisfying to do something caring for themselves. Taking care of one's hygiene is a great way to show you care about yourself and your wellbeing. The simple act of giving yourself a manicure and pedicure can benefit you in two ways. First, it's very relaxing. Second, it requires just enough mental focus that it helps take your mind off the issues of the day.

6. Walk Barefoot in the Sand or Grass

The simple pleasures in life can be very soothing and fulfilling. While you might take nature for granted, there is something very soothing about having physical contact with the earth. Can you imagine a better way to enjoy nature than taking off your shoes and socks for a walk on the sand or plush grass?

The reality is most of us live in a concrete jungle where the grass is something that only exists in books. If you have never walked barefoot in the grass, you should seek out a nice patch of grass and give it a shot. Getting in touch with nature is very soothing.

7. Use Aromatic Oils

There are a lot of health benefits you can enjoy by treating your skin to body oils. From a physical perspective, it can help keep your skin moist and looking healthy. From a mental perspective, the act of applying the oil to portions of your body can be very soothing.

By the way, the sense of smell can play a key role in your psychology. Certain fragrances are very pleasing and soothing to humans, thinking about scents like lemon and lavender. If you are in the mood to oil up, you can always find ways to increase your pleasure by appealing to your sense of smell at the same time.

8. Wear Cozy, Soft Clothes

Do you have a favorite pair of warm socks? Do you have a flannel shirt that is soothing to wear? When you choose clothing that is comfortable, you send yourself the message, “I am worthy of comfort,” or “I am someone who can successfully self-soothe.” This is a small choice you can make with significant benefits.

9. Brush Your Hair

Brushing your hair might seem like one of the most mundane things you can do to try to soothe yourself. However, you might want to try to think about it from a different perspective. The reality is your scalp and hair follicles can be very sensitive. The act of brushing your hair stimulates both your scalp and hair follicles. Anything that acts to stimulate a portion of your body can be very soothing.

10. Place Hand Over Your Heart and Count Heartbeats

When a baby is upset or feeling stressed, a mother's most natural instinct is usually to rub the child's chest and tummy. Maybe that has something to do with the heart being the center of human life.

If you want confirmation that you are alive and everything is going to be okay, you should place your hand over your heart and press in hard enough to feel your heartbeat. You might find great comfort in knowing everything is working the way it should. Peace of mind and soothing seem to go hand in hand.

11. Give and Get Lots of Hugs

How many times in your life have you felt bad, only to seek out comfort in the form of hugs from people who you believe care about you? If you think about it, you have been seeking hugs since the very moment you were born. We never seem to lose the desire for the comfort of a good hug. The fact is hugging can be one of the least threatening and most soothing forms of touch between people. By the way, hugging a pet has its benefits as well.

12. Use a Weighted Blanket

Awhile ago, I went to the dentist for surgery and they placed an extra heavy blanket on me right before they began working. I was amazed to observe how quickly I felt more relaxed. The truth is that weighted or heavier blankets help many people to relax during a moment of anxiety or when they anticipate a panic attack.

You can purchase weighted blankets (click here to see what’s available now on Amazon.com) or you can layer three or four blankets on your bed, crawl under the covers, and see for yourself if this is something that may be soothing for you. If this strategy works, you should begin to feel better within five or ten minutes.

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For more information about dialectical behavior therapy, please check out:

• DBT Self-Help

• Help for Family Members and Friends

• Art Journaling Prompts

Don't Cut Temporary Tattoos

Sometimes we all need a little reminder to resist those behaviors that prevent us from being our best.

I love these little 1.5 x 1.5 inch temporary tattoo reminders to stay free from self-harm.

Twenty temporary tattoos are just $15. Shipping is only available for residents in the United States.

Frequently asked questions:

How do I apply temporary tattoos?
1. Skin should be clean, dry, and free of makeup.
2. Remove clear protective top sheet.
3. Press tattoo firmly onto clean skin with design facing down.
4. Hold wet wash cloth or paper towel against back of tattoo and gently press down.
5. Wait 30 seconds and peel off paper backing.
6. Voila!

How do I remove temporary tattoos?
Saturate tattoo with coconut or baby oil. Wait ten seconds and then carefully rub away with cotton ball or wash cloth.

How long do temporary tattoos last?
Most temporary tattoos last between 1 and 4 days.

Can I have an allergic reaction to temporary tattoos?
Yes! Please use with caution if you are sensitive to adhesives. Do not use temporary tattoos on skin that is broken or burned.

How much is shipping?
No matter how many tattoos you order, shipping is free.

Who designed the tattoos?
Fabiring is the talented graphic designer. She’s nice!

For more healthy living ideas, please check out:

• DBT Self-Help

• Art Journaling Prompts for DBT

• Coping Statements to Prevent Self-Harm

• Are You Self-Compassionate?

Why Do People with Borderline Personality Disorder Feel Empty?

“Chronic feelings of emptiness” is one of the nine DSM-5 criteria for borderline personality disorder. The experience of emptiness is an important criterion to target in treatment because the symptom can be devastating for many individuals.

For some people emptiness might also feel like:

• loneliness
• dissatisfaction
• boredom
• sadness
• apathy
• disconnection

We know that emptiness may drive other unwanted emotions (like hopelessness or despair) as well as depression. It’s not uncommon for people who feel empty to also think about suicide or self-harming behaviors. Emptiness may also be a catalyst for many people with borderline personality disorder to engage in addictive behaviors.

Some people explain their experience of emptiness by saying, “I never fit in,” “I don’t like who I am,” or “I always seem to feel alone—even when I’m with those who care about me.” Others may say, “I can’t figure out what to do with my life.”

What causes feelings of emptiness?

People may feel empty because they:

• have few or no meaningful relationships
• live or work in an environment where they are repeatedly misunderstood or invalidated
• don’t have a consistent sense of who they are
• have experienced an important loss
• feel unworthy or undeserving
• are faced with an existential crisis
• lack important academic or vocational goals
• don’t believe they are important

As a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) specialist, I know that there are many ways my clients can help themselves and reduce feelings of emptiness. Together we can work on helping individuals with borderline personality disorder and their families create healthier relationships and find purpose in life. Establishing and working toward goals can help give people a sense of accomplishment. When people understand that life can be meaningful—even if some emotional pain remains—feelings of emptiness are reduced.

For a lot of people, reducing emptiness may be a goal that takes several years to reach. Individuals with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and their family members are always encouraged to be hopeful—and patient.

People with borderline personality disorder may need additional, structured support to reach their goals. This support may come from family members, friends, therapists, or even coaches. Coaches can help with goals related to organization, finances, and even career planning. The professional roles of mentor and mentee may also be beneficial for individuals with BPD.

DBT is an evidence-based treatment that can help people create a life worth living, feel better about themselves, and give individuals the practical tools they need to reduce feelings of emptiness.

For more information about dialectical behavior therapy, please check out:

• DBT Self-Help

• Understanding BPD Triggers

• 63 Reasons for Staying Alive

• Coping with Abandonment Fears