63 Reasons for Staying Alive (and Giving DBT a Chance)

Do you feel like giving up? Has life felt too overwhelming? Do you imagine things won’t get better?

You may have lots of reasons for wanting to die. Your suffering may be intense. It may not make sense. 

In dialectical behavior therapy (or DBT), we often talk about having Life Worth Living goals. This idea comes from Marsha Linehan (the creator of DBT) herself. She even developed a Reasons for Living Inventory (pdf) that is a really smart tool we can use.

When I’m working with clients, I want for them to have many reasons for staying alive. I encourage you to create your own list of reasons that are important to you. They can be silly, meaningful, funny, ridiculous, or very serious.

If you need ideas or reasons to stay alive, my hope is that this list is a place for you to start:

1. DBT (or any other therapy) cannot work if you aren’t alive.
2. You have never played guitar in a field of wild flowers.
3. 2027 may be very different.
4. Because maybe you are destined to start a business.
5. There is only one you in our world.
6. You can find ways to tolerate emotional pain.
7. Staying alive is opposite action for self-destruction.
8. Emotional pain sometimes ends.
9. You might choose coffee instead. (I love this article.)
10. Because you can give yourself another 24 hours.
11. Your cat needs you.
12. Your dog needs you.
13. Your hamster needs you.
14. Life can be okay sometimes.
15. You contribute to a more beautiful world.
16. You feel better when you help others.
17. Who will win the next NFL game?
18. There are books you have not yet read.
19. You have not yet watched Amelie.
20. Because you have the freedom to choose life.
21. Someone may depend on you.
22. Life has a way of working out.
23. You are a good problem-solver.
24. Because you have hope in the future.
25. When you’re healthier, you attract healthier people.
26. Things may not get worse.
27. People usually want to be helpful and you can ask for help.
28. There are things you have not yet learned.
29. You are dedicated to making wise decisions.
30. You don’t really know what happens after you die.
31. Suicide is a lousy legacy to leave your family.
32. Sometimes there’s a season to sadness but it doesn’t last forever.
33. Suicide doesn’t solve problems; it creates them.
34. You haven’t created 1000 paper cranes.
35. You are a strong person.
36. You are exceptionally brave.
37. You have survived every day up to this point.
38. Sometimes we can find meaning in pain.
39. You know that urge surfing helps.
40. There’s a book (or memoir) inside of you.
41. Emotions and thoughts are always changing.
42. You haven’t tried prayer yet.
43. Suicide isn’t fair to others.
44. You can reach out to your therapist.
45. What would your cat think?
46. Disney World.
47. Love may be a day/week/month/year away.
48. You could take yourself to a bed and breakfast or fancy hotel for a night or two instead.
49. You haven’t yet read Man’s Search for Meaning.
50. Death is final.
52. You don’t need to hurry death because it will happen at some point.
53. Others may be traumatized by your suicide.
54. You haven’t worn pink shoes this week.
55. You have a Wise Mind.
56. You could wait for one more birthday.
57. Who would be friends with your best friend?
58. You have goals.
59. What if you could get a PhD or other advanced degree?
60. You make a difference by how you treat others.
61. Pain doesn’t necessarily stop when we die.
62. Because funerals can be expensive.
63. You find meaning in emotional pain and suffering.

Looking for a way out of your emotional pain? Dialectical behavior therapy may help.

Catholic DBT Skills Training

I am very happy to provide a Catholic version of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to my clients living in the Waco area or to students who attend Baylor University, Texas A&M, Mary Hardin-Baylor, or McLennan Community College.

Are you someone who wants to:
• be more in control of their emotions?
• improve their relationships?
• have healthier ways of coping with everyday stress?
• set and achieve important goals?

DBT is an evidence-based therapy designed by University of Washington psychologist Marsha Linehan to help individuals manage their emotions and behaviors more effectively. The ultimate goal of DBT is to create a life worth living and it may help many individuals who are in emotional pain or recovering from addictive behaviors.

You do not need a particular diagnosis in order to benefit from DBT and I believe that everyone could benefit from learning these important life skills.

But starting DBT requires a big commitment. Here are some things you should consider when making your decision about joining our group.

Are you willing to:
• make group attendance a primary commitment for a minimum of six months?
• learn to manage your emotions and relationships more effectively?
• practice new and different coping skills?
• complete homework assignments each week?

What to expect if you join the skills group:
• receive a free copy of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner and Marsha Linehan's DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets
• learn new coping skills weekly
• explore different ways to think, feel, and respond in difficult situations
• experience a nonjudgmental and encouraging place to practice new coping skills

I have been intensively trained in DBT through Behavioral Tech and I’ve seen how these skills help change lives again and again.

Catholic DBT? Do I need to be Catholic in order to join this group?
No, you do not need to be Catholic to come to this group. This group was created to meet the spiritual needs of several clients who were interested in an integration of their faith with the DBT skills, however, anyone is welcome to join.

Not for you? You can find the secular version of this group here.

What makes this group Catholic?
This group combines the traditional DBT skills with a weekly spiritual reading from the Bible as well as wisdom from individuals like St. Therese of Lisieux, Fr. Jacques Philippe, Jean Pierre de Caussade, Flannery O’Connor, and Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica.

How much does group cost?
This DBT skills group is a self-pay program. The investment is $85 per 90-minute group. While I do not accept insurance, I'm happy to provide a receipt for you to submit to your insurance company for reimbursement. 

I’m interested. What happens next?
Because I want for you to be successful in treatment, I require an interview and the completion of several assessments to determine eligibility and readiness for DBT skills training.  I usually orient new clients to DBT over four individual sessions. These sessions are billed at $185 per hour.

When does the group meet?
Our Wednesday group meets from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm starting August 12, 2026.

All groups meet in person.

Ready to get some relief from your emotional pain? Please contact me today by emailing me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com for additional information.

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Additional information about DBT:

A Review of Marsha Linehan’s Memoir: Building a Life Worth Living

DBT-inspired Art Journaling Prompts

16 Inspirational Quotes by DBT-developer Marsha Linehan

Coping Statements for Self-Harming Behaviors

What Does it Mean to Be Dialectical?

Waco DBT Skills Training

I am very proud to provide dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to my clients living in the Waco area or to students who attend Baylor University, Texas A&M, Mary Hardin-Baylor, or McLennan Community College.

Are you someone who wants to:
• be more in control of their emotions?
• improve their relationships?
• have healthier ways of coping with everyday stress?
• set and achieve important goals?

DBT is an evidence-based therapy designed by University of Washington psychologist Marsha Linehan to help individuals manage their emotions and behaviors more effectively. The ultimate goal of DBT is to create a life worth living and it may help many individuals who are in emotional pain or recovering from addictive behaviors.

You do not need a particular diagnosis in order to benefit from DBT and I believe that everyone could benefit from learning these important life skills.

But starting DBT requires a big commitment. Here are some things you should consider when making your decision about joining our group.

Are you willing to:
• make group attendance a primary commitment for a minimum of six months?
• learn to manage your emotions and relationships more effectively?
• practice new and different coping skills?
• complete homework assignments each week?

What to expect if you join the skills group:
• receive a free copy of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner and Marsha Linehan's DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets
• learn new coping skills weekly
• explore different ways to think, feel, and respond in difficult situations
• experience a nonjudgmental and encouraging place to practice new coping skills

I have been intensively trained in DBT through Behavioral Tech and I’ve seen how these skills help change lives again and again.

Investment:
Please note that the DBT skills group is a self-pay program. The investment is $85 per 90-minute group. While I do not accept insurance, I'm happy to provide a receipt for you to submit to your insurance company for reimbursement. 

Pre-treatment requirements:
Because I want for you to be successful in treatment, I require an interview and the completion of several assessments to determine eligibility and readiness for DBT skills training.  I usually orient new clients to DBT over four individual sessions. These sessions are billed at $185 per hour.

Date and Time:
Our Thursday group meets from 5:30 pm to 7:00 pm. Our next opening is July 23, 2026.

All groups meet in person.

Ready to get some relief from your emotional pain? Please contact me today by emailing me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com for additional information.

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Additional information about DBT:

A Review of Marsha Linehan’s Memoir: Building a Life Worth Living

DBT-inspired Art Journaling Prompts

16 Inspirational Quotes by DBT-developer Marsha Linehan

Coping Statements for Self-Harming Behaviors

What Does it Mean to Be Dialectical?

The Benefits of Self-Compassion for Individuals with BPD

Self-compassion means that we treat ourselves with the same kindness, respect, and love that we would show towards a best friend, a family member, or a child we care about. However, self-compassion shouldn't be confused with pity or sympathy—it's the opposite of self-hatred. At its core, self-compassion is one of the hallmarks of an emotionally healthy individual. It's something we can cultivate in order to become more resilient to all that life throws at us at any given moment.

Self-Compassion Research

Over the past few years there's been an explosion in research related to the practice of self-compassion.

For instance, did you know that self-compassion may be beneficial for:

• students coping with academic stress (2016)
• reducing risk of substance use (2017)
• the mediation of symptoms related to borderline personality disorder (2017)
• decreasing symptoms related to depression (2018)
• protecting against suicidal thinking or planning (2017)
• improving goals related to positive health behaviors (2017)
• reducing alcohol consumption (2020)

While there may be many individuals who are naturally self-compassionate, it's possible for any of us to become more self-compassionate with a lot of patient and persistent practice. It's important to note that in order to become more effective in being self-compassionate we probably need to make a daily commitment towards showing ourselves the love we need in order to heal from past invalidation, self-doubt, and critical thinking.

Practical Self-Compassion Practice

In order to change our thinking from self-condemnation to self-compassion, we want to strive for a practice that is truthful and is a good fit for our values. One of the least effective things we can probably do is go around telling ourselves things like, "I'm a good person," or "I deserve wonderful things," especially if we don't believe that quite yet. Lying to ourselves is not an act of self-compassion. Erring on the side of honesty, however, can be a beautiful act of self-compassion.

While there is no "perfect" or "right" way to increase your self-compassion, you may want to start slowly and find ways that work for you.

5 Ways to Increase Your Self-Compassion

• Be mindful of judgmental or critical self-talk
Do you ever call yourself names? Tell yourself that you are ugly, stupid, or hopeless? Do you use self-deprecating humor a little too often? 

Self-compassionate people are mindful of the language they use to describe themselves and their abilities. Today you can start to notice the subtle (or not-so-subtle) messages you are telling yourself and others about who you are and what is important to you. When in doubt, use accurate language ("I'm 20 pounds overweight." vs "I can't believe that I let myself get this fat. Gross!") when describing your experiences. 

• Celebrate small successes
You might be thinking, "Normal people don't need to cheerlead themselves for getting to work on time," but that really isn't accurate. Even "normal" or emotionally healthy people sometimes have to build themselves up to complete routine tasks, chores, or goals—even when they seem easy or simple. Depending on the stressors you are currently experiencing, celebrating small steps may be one of the most effective things you do in your quest to become more self-compassionate. 

If you need permission to celebrate teeth-brushing, keeping your gas tank full, or emptying the dishwasher, then do it. You can help yourself stay motivated by using this fun adulting check list.

• Choose self-acceptance
We can focus on the negative but we can also decide to meditate on what is going well in our lives. We can accept that maybe things are all that bad—at least most of the time or maybe we accept that we are a work in progress.

To become more self-compassionate, you might ask yourself, "What are my strengths? What am I doing well? How am I helping myself and others?" Dwelling on the things that aren't going well doesn't make you a better or more noble person—it makes you someone no one wants to be around. No one is impressed by how well you can beat yourself up on a daily basis.

• Buy yourself flowers
Think about the things you wouldn't hesitate to do for your best friend. You send them uplifting texts, gifs, or funny YouTube videos. You might drive across the city just to bring them a cupcake on a rough day or maybe you're there with tissues and juice when they're sick and stuck in bed. You might be the kind of friend who stays up all night to help them study for a difficult final exam. 

Now imagine what your life would be like if you showed yourself just a small portion of that kind of love and devotion. You know what you would do? You'd totally buy yourself flowers, balloons, or treat yourself to a movie in the middle of the day. Self-compassion is an exercise in radical and unapologetic self-care.

• Make your bed
One of the nicest gifts we can give ourselves is a beautiful, quiet bedroom with clean sheets, a made bed, a tidy nightstand, and other things that we love. It takes less than five minutes each morning to make our beds, pick the clothes up off the floor, and put last night's dishes in the kitchen sink. 

A clean bedroom is a sign of self-respect and self-compassion. You don't need a perfect space but you deserve one that doesn't make you cringe and feel shame every time you walk in. How can you make your bedroom a more peaceful and relaxing place to spend 8 to 10 hours a day?

(If you need more bed-making inspiration, watch this video.)

Quiz: How compassionate are you?

Before you start making changes, take this self-compassion quiz on this page.

Keep a note of your score and today's date. Set a reminder and retest yourself in the next 30, 90, or 120 days. Greater self-compassion is something you can track over time. 

Don't forget to celebrate your self-compassion success.

November 5, 2025 — Online Borderline Personality Disorder Family Course

Are you ready for a healthier relationship?

Desiring a healthier, more stable relationship? Needing more effective ways to communicate? Trying to get unstuck from patterns that don’t help you or your loved one to feel better? 

If you are a family member or friend of someone with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD), learning dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help you to save your relationship.

Living with and loving someone who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder can sometimes be challenging. When one family member is suffering with intense and ever-changing emotions, many family members are thrown into the chaos that results from unrelenting crises.

DBT isn't just for the person with the problem; it's for anyone who has a desire to cope more effectively with their own anxiety, anger, and frustration.

Learning just a few DBT skills can help you feel more relaxed, be in control of your own reactions, and mindful of your emotions. If your son, daughter, spouse, or sibling is learning dialectical behavior therapy with a trained mental health professional then you can begin to share a unique therapeutic language that will lead to greater understanding, trust, and healing.

Beginning Wednesday, November 5, at 1:00 pm Eastern/12:00 pm Central/11:00 am Mountain/10:00 am Pacific, I'll be offering a 12-week online DBT skills class designed just for family members and friends. (If you are outside the US, you can convert the time zone difference by clicking here.) Each live, interactive webinar is one hour in length and all sessions will be recorded for future listening. The investment for this course is just three monthly payments of $206 each or a one-time payment of $569 for all 12 weeks. 

Just one resource or idea can make a difference in your relationship.

12 Weeks of Practical Ideas for Improving Your Relationship

Through the four modules of DBT—Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Interpersonal Effectiveness, and Emotion Regulation—you will learn how to:

• validate your family member
• successfully cope with threatening or abusive behaviors
• engage in collaborative problem-solving
• de-escalate arguments and prevent misunderstandings
• practice dialectical thinking to build empathy
• establish limits when necessary
• make smart treatment decisions together
• create your own life worth living

I highly recommend Amanda's 12 week online Family DBT & Communication Skills Class. 2 years ago when my then 18 year old daughter was diagnosed with BPD, I felt like I was drowning in misinformation about BPD and I felt helpless and alone. I stumbled upon Amanda's website, which led to my finding several helpful books that she recommends for families, as well as information about online classes designed specifically to help families & loved ones understand BPD and communicate more effectively.

Learning these skills has truly been a game changer for our family and having the weekly support from others, as well as from Amanda was just the support we needed to make positive changes in dealing with our daughter. We found resources to be lacking in our area, especially when it comes to family support. The online course makes the tools readily available, no matter where you live. Thank you Amanda for all your hard work and dedication to not only those suffering with BPD, but their families, who are a very important piece of the recovery and healing process.
—AB, South Carolina

Hi Amanda, I attended one of your online DBT Family Courses two (?) years ago and would like to let you know that you planted a lot of ideas that I have been cultivating  and using to improve my relationship with my son. I have learned to s-l-o-w down, be patient, treat him with dignity and have faith that with love and support things will get better. 

I had to push this approach with a family counselor and my husband who were more of the mindset, “stop enabling him and let him hit rock bottom.”  

It has taken a long time and there were ups and downs, but we have seen in the last six months clear net positives. Our son is working part-time and attending college and living in his own apartment- all things we thought were impossible. 

Thank you for sharing your expertise. 
—KT, Illinois

Who Am I?

Hello! My name is Amanda and I have been intensively trained in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) through The Linehan Institute's Behavioral Tech. I’ve been helping families and individuals with a diagnosis of BPD since 2007.

You can read more about me and my private practice by clicking here.

You’ve Got Questions, I’ve Got Answers

Q: What is DBT?
A: Dialectical behavior therapy is an evidence-based treatment designed to help people take control of their emotions and behaviors. DBT was developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD and you can read more about how DBT helps people by clicking here.

Q: What does “dialectical” mean?
A: I have an in-depth definition with several examples that you can find here.

Q: Will DBT help me?
A: I believe that DBT can be beneficial for anyone who would like to better cope with life’s challenges.

Sometimes those challenges include our relationships with our family members or other people we love who are struggling with their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

Q: Is this course considered therapy? Will insurance help pay for this course?
A: No. This course is designed to help give you practical tools and ideas you need to have a healthier relationship. This online course is not therapy nor is it a substitute for treatment.

If you are looking for a qualified DBT therapist, please click or tap here.

Q: Who takes this course?
A: People all over the world!

I’ve now had individuals from six continents join us for this 12-week course. (I’m waiting from someone living in Antartica to sign up!)

Hundreds of spouses, parents, partners, friends and children of individuals with a diagnosis of BPD have found that these skills have helped them to improve their relationship. My hope is that that can be true for you and your family as well.

You can make a difference in your relationship.

Q: I’m a therapist/coach/nurse/physician. Can I take this course?
A: Yes! I frequently have health care professionals take this course to increase their own understanding of effective treatment for borderline personality disorder. If this describes you, I’d love to learn more about your work.

Q: Is this course live or are the webinars prerecorded?
A: Yes, this is live. We meet each and every week for one hour. You will always be given an opportunity to ask questions and receive immediate feedback so that you can get the answers and support you need as quickly as possible.

Q: Do I need to download any special webinar software?
A: I use Zoom for the weekly webinars. However, you will not need to download Zoom to rewatch the recorded webinars.

Q: Zoom? Will I be on camera?
A: No. You do not ever have to be on camera.

Q: Is my privacy protected?
A: Yes. You will have a unique username and password that you will choose when you register for this course. Additionally, you will never be asked to share any information with others that may personally identify you or a family member.

Some individuals may feel more protected when they create a separate email address (via an encrypted account such as ProtonMail) to sign up for this course.

What would a life worth living look like for you and your family member?

Q: My family member has not been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Can I still take this course?
A: Yes! If you have any questions about how this course might be helpful, please contact me for additional information.

Q: Will this course help me if my family member is not in DBT?
A: Definitely. This course was designed to help families get the help and resources they need.

Most participants who join us do not have a family member who is currently in DBT or a treatment program targeted toward borderline personality disorder.

Q: Will this course help me to get my family member to go to therapy or seek treatment?
A: This is one of the topics that comes up again and again for family members. During our 12 weeks together, we will address the issue of increasing motivation to get help for BPD, anxiety, depression, and addictive behaviors in a way that is both sensitive and validating.

Q: Can couples participate in this course?
A: Yes! I frequently have couples who take this course so that they can learn these relationship-saving skills together.

Q: Can my daughter/son participate in this course?
A: While this course is not intended for individuals with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder nor those who have traits of BPD, I’ve had several parents use this course with their teen or young adult child as a way of learning the skills together. Please note, however, that this online course is not a substitute for working with a licensed mental health professional or participating in a comprehensive DBT program.

If you are interested in a referral to a local professional or a residential treatment program, please send an email to me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com.

Q: I have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Can I take this course?
A: At this time, I do not have a course for individuals with a diagnosis of BPD but I’d love for you to check out My Dialectical Life—a self-help tool for learning these life-changing DBT skills.

Q: What is your refund policy? What if I find that this course isn’t for me?
A: I don’t offer refunds so please do make a careful choice about purchasing this course.

However, if you’ve purchased the course and found that it’s not for you, I still want for you to get the help you need. Contact me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com for more information so that I can get you pointed in a direction that will be most helpful to you and your family member.

Q: Where can I learn more about borderline personality disorder and dialectical behavior therapy?
A: I have a list of favorite books for family members that you can find here.

DBT skills are an investment you make in your relationship.

Questions about me or my work? You can learn more about me and my work by clicking here.

You can always reach me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com. I'd love to learn more about you and your family.

I thought I should send you an update to let you know how much your family skills course has helped my family and I! Since I completed the course, things have been significantly calmer. My husband has still had some high-intensity moments, but I haven't lost control or hope like I used to. I have been able to separate him from the illness, and not take his behaviour so personally. I have a lot more empathy for him now, but also a lot more confidence in him.
—KS, Canada

Online Course: The Science Behind Self-Compassion for Highly-Sensitive Individuals

Highly-sensitive individuals or emotionally-sensitive persons can sometimes be self-critical and self-sabotaging. These self-critical behaviors and reactions can keep us stuck in unhealthy relational patterns and are often a significant obstacle to our growth as healthy adults.

How self-compassionate are you? Does it even matter?

Scientific research gives us a lot of reasons to increase our self-compassion. Individuals who experience greater self-compassion are more likely to have a better quality of life, enjoy more meaningful relationships, experience less shame, and are more likely to have a sense of self-efficacy—a belief that we can successfully set and achieve important goals in life.

A self-compassion practice may also be beneficial for:

• students coping with academic stress (2016)
• reducing risk of substance use (2017)
• the mediation of symptoms related to borderline personality disorder (2017)
• decreasing symptoms related to depression (2018)
• protecting against suicidal thinking or planning (2017)
• reducing symptoms related to social anxiety disorder (2023)
• improving goals related to positive health behaviors (2017)
• reducing alcohol consumption (2020)

Starting on Saturday, July 13, 2024 at 5:00 pm Eastern/2:00 pm Pacific, I'll be hosting a series of six live one-hour webinars on the most important recent research about self-compassion. These weekly webinars are open to anyone interested in the topic.

Together we'll also discuss practical ways that you can start the life-changing work of implementing more self-compassion into your daily life—starting with the first webinar. 

Each of these webinars will be recorded for those participants who will not be able to listen live.

The investment for these live webinars is just $179.

You’ve Got Questions, I’ve Got Answers

Q: Is this course considered therapy? Will insurance help pay for this course?
A: No. This course is designed to help give you practical tools and ideas you need to become more self-compassionate. This online course is not therapy nor is it a substitute for treatment.

Q: You specialize in borderline personality disorder and I don’t have that diagnosis. Will this course help me?
A: It’s true that I do specialize in DBT—an effective treatment for individuals with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and for those who engage in self-harming behaviors. However, this self-compassion course will be geared primarily to individuals who consider themselves to be highly-sensitive persons or emotionally-sensitive individuals.

Q: I’m a therapist/coach/nurse/physician. Can I take this course?
A: Yes! If this describes you, I’d love to learn more about your work.

Q: Is this course live or are the webinars prerecorded?
A: Yes, this is live. We meet each and every week for one hour. You will always be given an opportunity to ask questions and receive immediate feedback so that you can get the answers and support you need as quickly as possible.

Q: Do I need to download any special webinar software?
A: I use Zoom for the weekly webinars. However, you will not need to download Zoom to rewatch the recorded webinars.

Q: Zoom? Will I be on camera?
A: No. You do not ever have to be on camera.

Q: I don’t know that I can attend live each week. Will the webinars be recorded?
A: Yes! Each of the weekly webinars will be recorded for future viewing.

Q: Is my privacy protected?
A: Yes. You will have a unique username and password that you will choose when you register for this course. Additionally, you will never be asked to share any information with others that may personally identify you.

Some individuals may feel more protected when they create a separate email address (via an encrypted account such as ProtonMail) to sign up for this course.

Q: What is your refund policy? What if I find that this course isn’t for me?
A: I don’t offer refunds so please do make a careful choice about purchasing this course.

However, if you’ve purchased the course and found that it’s not for you, I still want for you to get the help you need. Contact me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com for more information so that I can get you pointed in a direction that will be most helpful to you.

Questions? Email me today at amanda@hopeforbpd.com.

Ask! 28 Ideas for Practicing the DEAR MAN Skill

The interpersonal effectiveness skills were developed by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan in the 1980s as a part of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

The DEAR MAN skills help remind us that we can ask us for what we want or need. We can even use DEAR MAN to say no to others.

D = describe the situation, event, or problem
E = express your thoughts or emotions
A = ask or assert
R = reinforce or reward (a “thank you” can work well)

M = be mindful and stick with just one topic
A = appear confident
N = negotiate if necessary

The other interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT are GIVE (to help us improve our relationships with others) and FAST (to help us improve our self-respect).

If you are looking for ways to practice the DEAR MAN skill, consider asking:

• your boss for paid time off next Wednesday afternoon

• for a secret menu drink at Sonic (don’t use the app!)

• a roommate to take out the trash

• for help filling out your diary card or with your skills group homework

• your child to volunteer with you at a local animal shelter

• your best friend to review your Bumble or CoffeeMeetsBagel profile

• a stranger for a recommendation about a good local restaurant

• for extra time to pay your phone bill

• your therapist for extra validation during your next session

• a spouse or partner to go on a date

• your Uber driver to take a different route

• a friend to check in with you on a tough day

• for the best seat at your favorite restaurant

• a family member to tell you about the strengths they see in you

• for honest feedback from your therapist

• a professor to allow you to take an exam a day early or a day late

• for a 10% discount on your next car repair

• a work colleague to go to the movies with you

• a question at a local Apple Genius Bar

• help with washing the dishes

• for a credit card late fee to be waived

• your school’s accommodations office for information about their services

• a family member to listen to your recovery story

• a favorite author for advice about writing

• your neighbor to walk your dog or feed your cat while you’re away

• a stranger to take a photo of you and a friend on the street

• a friend to share their advice about a relationship problem

• for an informational interview at a company, business, or nonprofit organization you admire

Now asking for what we want or need can be scary because it often puts us in a vulnerable position. Rejection Proof by Jia Jiang is a book I love to recommend to my clients. It’s all about facing rejection and has many examples of DEAR MAN and the skill of opposite action.

I also like to recommend All You Need to Do is Ask by Wayne Baker.

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For additional information about DBT, check out:

DBT Self-Help

DBT-inspired Art Journaling Prompts

Reasons for Staying Alive

What Does it Mean to Be Dialectical?

Coping with Chronic Suicidal Thinking and Planning: Success Strategies for Providers, Family Members, and Individuals Who Are Suffering

This one-hour webinar will take place via Zoom on Saturday, May 18 at 10:00 am Central. (Live in another time zone? You can convert the webinar time using this web site.) The cost is $29 and current subscribers to My Dialectical Life or My Hopeful Life can join for free.

This webinar is for anyone who cares about someone who suffers from chronic suicidal thinking or planning—including graduate students, licensed healthcare providers, family members, friends, and individuals who experience suicidal thinking.

The webinar will be recorded for individuals who register but are unable to attend live.

Over the hour, we will discuss:

• protective factors that help keep people alive
• evidence-based treatment designed for suicide prevention
• the pros and cons of hospitalization
• practical steps to help someone you love
• practical steps to help yourself cope better with suicidal thinking

There will also be an opportunity for you to ask questions during the live webinar.

Please click here to register today.

Graduate students and licensed health care professionals who participate in the live webinar will receive a certificate of attendance upon request. A certificate of attendance will not be issued for individuals who do not attend the live webinar for the full hour.

Questions? Please reach out to me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com.

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Additional information about DBT and BPD:

A Review of Marsha Linehan’s Memoir: Building a Life Worth Living

99 Things to Do When You are Feeling Depressed

How to Get into Wise Mind

Coping Statements for Self-Harming Behaviors

Gentle Limit Setting for Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (February 21, 2024)

It’s hard to set limits.

You may have already identified certain truths about setting limits with people you love:

• Your family member is already in emotionally pain. Setting limits may temporarily increase that pain.
• Limits can feel like rejection or disapproval to the person who is struggling with their emotions.
• Threats, ultimatums, and demands destroy relationships.
• Blame, judgment, and anger leaves everyone feeling defensive.

It might also be true that setting gentle, validating limits while paying attention to shame, embarrassment, or guilt may help to improve your relationship creating a more mutual wins for everyone.

Beginning Wednesday, February 21 at 12:00 pm Eastern/11:00 am Central/10:00 am Mountain/9:00 am Pacific, I'll be offering a 4-week online course for family members and friends who want to improve their relationship while setting limits. (If you are outside the US, you can convert the time zone difference by clicking here.) Each live, interactive webinar is one hour in length and all sessions will be recorded for future listening. The investment for this course is just $97. 

We will meet live on:

February 21, 2024
February 28, 2024
March 13, 2024
March 20, 2024

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Four Weeks of Practical Ideas for Improving Your Relationship

During these four weeks you will learn how:

• validation can lead to more successful relationships
• limit setting can be mutually beneficial
• to engage in more collaborative problem-solving
• to build empathy for the person who is struggling with limits
• practicing self-compassion may help you to manage guilt, shame, or anger

Who Am I?

Hello! My name is Amanda and I have been intensively trained in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) through The Linehan Institute's Behavioral Tech. I’ve been helping families and individuals with a diagnosis of BPD since 2007.

You can read more about me and my private practice by clicking here.

You’ve Got Questions, I’ve Got Answers

Q: Is this course considered therapy? Will insurance help pay for this course?
A: No. This course is designed to help give you practical tools and ideas you need to have a healthier relationship. This online course is not therapy nor is it a substitute for treatment.

Q: I’m a therapist/coach/nurse/physician. Can I take this course?
A: Yes! If this describes you, I’d love to learn more about your work.

Q: Is this course live or are the webinars prerecorded?
A: Yes, this is live. We meet each and every week for one hour. You will always be given an opportunity to ask questions and receive immediate feedback so that you can get the answers and support you need as quickly as possible.

Q: Do I need to download any special webinar software?
A: I use Zoom for the webinars. However, you will not need to download Zoom to rewatch the recorded webinars.

Q: Zoom? Will I be on camera?
A: No. You do not ever have to be on camera.

Q: Is my privacy protected?
A: Yes. You will have a unique username and password that you will choose when you register for this course. Additionally, you will never be asked to share any information with others that may personally identify you or a family member.

Some individuals may feel more protected when they create a separate email address (via an encrypted account such as ProtonMail) to sign up for this course.

Q: Can couples participate in this course?
A: Yes, of course! These ideas can help couples improve their relationship.

Q: Will this course be stigmatizing toward individuals with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder?
A: No. As a DBT therapist, I strongly encourage a nonjudgmental stance toward self and others during this course.

I believe that empathy, compassion, and kindness for each other helps to eliminate at least some of the barriers and misunderstandings between people. However, even when people are compassionate and empathic, there still may be a need to set limits with people we love. That’s true for all of us.

This course is not intended for people who want to end a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder.

Q: What is your refund policy? What if I find that this course isn’t for me?
A: I don’t offer refunds so please do make a careful choice about purchasing this course.

However, if you’ve purchased the course and found that it’s not for you, I still want for you to get the help you need. Contact me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com for more information so that I can get you pointed in a direction that will be most helpful to you and your family member.

Questions about me or my practice? You can learn more about me and my work by clicking here.

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Please complete the form below if you’d like to be notified when registration for this course opens.

BPD Crisis Resources and Help (Updated for 2024)

Life might feel like its an unrelenting crisis or emergency at times.

If you have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and are feeling suicidal, self-injurious, or self-destructive, the good news is that there are people who are willing to help.

Whatever you are doing right now, stop and commit to keeping yourself safe and alive for the next hour.

I’m serious. Set the timer on your phone for 60 minutes. Promise yourself that you won’t make any problems worse during that time. The truth is that even intense emotions and urges can change within an hour or two. You don’t have to add to your pain or trauma. You don’t have to hurt others.

Letting people know that you need help is always a smart decision. Keep telling others until they listen.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline
988

Warm Lines
These are peer-run organizations and may not be available 24/7.

Crisis Text Line
If you can’t talk, text.

Samaritans NYC
1-212-673-3000

Veterans Crisis Line
1-800-273-8255 (Press 1) or text 838255

RAINN
Sexual assault hotline
1-800-656-4673

National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Crisis Text Line
Text 741741
Again, if you can’t talk, text.

Outside of the United States? Check out these international resources from Unsuicide.

If you are looking for a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) therapist, please check out this list of qualified mental health professionals through Behavioral Tech’s web site.

Need a book to read right now? Get a Kindle version of How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention or I can recommend Stronger Than BPD: The Girl’s Guide to Taking Control of Intense Emotions, Drama, and Chaos Using DBT.

If reading is too difficult right now, think about listening to an audio book. I love good books like Calming the Emotional Storm by DBT therapist Sheri Van Dijk.

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Please also check out:

DBT Self Help

How to Recover from BPD

101 Coping Statements to Fight Self-Harm

Setting Limits with People with BPD