Is "Quiet BPD" Real?

No, as a licensed health care provider, “quiet BPD” is not a description we would use in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or when I’m diagnosing someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) or describing traits of BPD.

However, it may be true that:

• DSM-5 diagnostic criteria is imperfect and does not always encompass all that someone with BPD might experience. People with a diagnosis of BPD are unique and are inherently worthy of love and healing. A mental health diagnosis is only a very small part of that individual’s story.

• people may have different, neutral traits that help describe their personality or temperament (such as introverted vs extroverted). Again, BPD isn’t just one thing and the same is true for people with the diagnosis.

• just as individuals are neither “good” nor “bad,” we can imagine that symptoms or characteristics of BPD are also neither “good” or “bad.” Understanding ourselves and others with less judgment and more compassion may be an important part of recovery from BPD.

• using descriptors such as “quiet BPD” may imply that others experience “loud BPD.” This kind of differentiation might feel judgmental or hurtful to others.

• even though “quiet BPD” is not a diagnosis, a person could understand some of their symptoms related to BPD by describing something like, “When I feel rejected, I sometimes get very quiet and it can be hard for me to speak.” Or they might observe, “I often shut down when I’m angry and—most of the time—my family doesn’t know when I’m frustrated.”

As a DBT therapist, my hope is that this kind of mindful description can help increase understanding for family members and friends while also providing some self-validation for the person diagnosed with BPD.

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Want more? Check out these resources about dialectical behavior therapy:

• My Dialectical Life

• How to Get into Wise Mind

• Changing Your Emotions with Music

• The Quotable Marsha Linehan

The Power of Natural Consequences: Family Help for Borderline Personality Disorder

In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), we often think about the wisdom of allowing natural consequences to occur as a way to help facilitate change. This is the opposite of stepping in and trying to fix something that isn't ours to fix.

Many years ago, I had a smart young adult client who had three speeding tickets in one semester. I think that she had four tickets in the first six months of working with her. Each time she told me about a ticket, I would say something like, "Wow. Speeding tickets are so expensive. Will you complete the defensive driving course to reduce the fee?" I remember that my client would look confused and tell me, "I'm not paying the ticket. I gave it to my parents, and they paid it."

Several years later, something similar happened with a wonderful adult client in her late 20s. She had been in a minor car accident where, thankfully, no one was hurt but she received a citation for reckless driving. When I asked about a defensive driving course to offset the fees associated with the citation and potential increase in car insurance costs, my client said, "I'm not doing that. My husband will just pay it." I, however, saw the car accident as an opportunity for my client to increase her self-respect by taking responsibility for an accident she caused—without any excessive shame, guilt, or embarrassment.

While these examples aren't specific to the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder nor any personality disorder for that matter, they demonstrate an attitude that is not always conducive to emotional health and the goal of taking responsibility for our actions.

When we do for others what they can do for themselves, we send a message that may invalidly communicate:

·    You are helpless.

·    You need my help.

·    You are not responsible.

·    You are not trustworthy.

or

·    I need to take care of you.

This type of invalidation is the opposite message I want for my clients to be receiving from family members, friends, work colleagues, and employers. I'm working hard to send the message, "You are responsible for creating a life worth living. No one can do this work for you!"

A life worth living isn't just about increasing our capacity for joy, meaning, or connection. It also means that we use our DBT skills to help ourselves do the hard job of "adulting" and taking on challenges that will help us to become more independent and self-sufficient.

Many of my terrific clients take these steps on their own, but others may need a gentle nudge toward a temporary uncomfortableness that may only last for a few minutes at a time. The relatively boring (but often stressful) task of paying a speeding ticket or traffic citation may be such a catalyst for many other acts of responsibility and self-care.

When we ask people to take small, reasonable steps to care for themselves and others, we validate them by communicating, "You can do this. I believe in you."

That nudge toward the uncomfortableness of natural consequences is not meant to be:

• punishing or punitive

nor

• a way to throw your loved one into the deep end of the pool so that they almost drown.

Natural consequences, when we allow them to occur, can be expressed by you in a way that is neutral, non-judgmental, and without shame. You are communicating, "These are the facts."

Sometimes we learn best when we are allowed to make mistakes or experience the painful moments where we are faced with a problem only we can solve. If that's been true for you, it may also be true for your family member.

There may be a role in allowing for natural consequences with your family member. How are you empowering your loved one with borderline personality disorder today?

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For more information, check out:

My Hopeful Life

Family DBT Course

Setting Limits with People Who Have BPD

63 Reasons for Staying Alive (and Giving DBT a Chance)

Do you feel like giving up? Has life felt too overwhelming? Do you imagine things won’t get better?

You may have lots of reasons for wanting to die. Your suffering may be intense. It may not make sense. 

In dialectical behavior therapy (or DBT), we often talk about having Life Worth Living goals. This idea comes from Marsha Linehan (the creator of DBT) herself. She even developed a Reasons for Living Inventory (pdf) that is a really smart tool we can use.

When I’m working with clients, I want for them to have many reasons for staying alive. I encourage you to create your own list of reasons that are important to you. They can be silly, meaningful, funny, ridiculous, or very serious.

If you need ideas or reasons to stay alive, my hope is that this list is a place for you to start:

1. DBT (or any other therapy) cannot work if you aren’t alive.
2. You have never played guitar in a field of wild flowers.
3. 2024 may be very different.
4. Because maybe you are destined to start a business.
5. There is only one you in our world.
6. You can find ways to tolerate emotional pain.
7. Staying alive is opposite action for self-destruction.
8. Emotional pain sometimes ends.
9. You might choose coffee instead. (I love this article.)
10. Because you can give yourself another 24 hours.
11. Your cat needs you.
12. Your dog needs you.
13. Your hamster needs you.
14. Life can be okay sometimes.
15. You contribute to a more beautiful world.
16. You feel better when you help others.
17. Who will win the next season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette?
18. There are books you have not yet read.
19. You have not yet watched Amelie.
20. Because you have the freedom to choose life.
21. Someone may depend on you.
22. Life has a way of working out.
23. You are a good problem-solver.
24. Because you have hope in the future.
25. When you’re healthier, you attract healthier people.
26. Things may not get worse.
27. People usually want to be helpful and you can ask for help.
28. There are things you have not yet learned.
29. You are dedicated to making wise decisions.
30. You don’t really know what happens after you die.
31. Suicide is a lousy legacy to leave your family.
32. Sometimes there’s a season to sadness but it doesn’t last forever.
33. Suicide doesn’t solve problems; it creates them.
34. You haven’t created 1000 paper cranes.
35. You are a strong person.
36. You are exceptionally brave.
37. You have survived every day up to this point.
38. Sometimes we can find meaning in pain.
39. You know that urge surfing helps.
40. There’s a book (or memoir) inside of you.
41. Emotions and thoughts are always changing.
42. You haven’t tried prayer yet.
43. Suicide isn’t fair to others.
44. You can reach out to your therapist.
45. What would your cat think?
46. Disney World.
47. Love may be a day/week/month/year away.
48. You could take yourself to a bed and breakfast instead.
49. You haven’t yet read Man’s Search for Meaning.
50. Death is final.
52. You don’t need to hurry death because it will happen at some point.
53. Others may be traumatized by your suicide.
54. You haven’t worn pink shoes this week.
55. You have a Wise Mind.
56. You could wait for one more birthday.
57. Who would be friends with your best friend?
58. You have goals.
59. What if you could get a PhD or other advanced degree?
60. You make a difference by how you treat others.
61. Pain doesn’t necessarily stop when we die.
62. Because funerals can be expensive.
63. You find meaning in emotional pain and suffering.

Looking for a way out of your emotional pain? Dialectical behavior therapy may help.

Art Journaling Prompts for Self-Harming Behaviors

In a time of destruction, create something. -Maxine Hong Kingston

Do you value creativity as a part of your recovery story?

Engaging in any kind of art practice is a healthy alternative to self-injury or self-destruction.

Many people find that they can safely communicate thoughts, emotions, and experiences through art. Art is often a self-validating and affirming way of recognizing our struggles and successes as we grow in self-love.

Art journaling can be a way to compassionately document your past, understand current challenges, and cope with urges to engage in self-harming or self-sabotaging behaviors.

You could use your art journal to visually explore topics like:

• Your values in recovery
• Reasons why you want to reduce self-harming behaviors
• Self-compassion and self-love
• Family members, friends, and others who inspire you
• Your resilience
• How you respect your body
• Your hope in recovery
• The difference between you a year ago and you today
• Self-acceptance
• How recovery is messy
• Why you want to recover
• Your life five years from now
• Meaning and purpose in recovery
• Your support team
• Coping successfully with urges
• Healthy ways of coping
• Your commitment to self-care

You, of course, may have dozens of different ideas. What is most important to you?

When you’re ready, you can share your work with a safe person or you can keep your art journal private.

I love this particularly pretty art journal (and this one is my second favorite) but if you have another favorite way to preserve or share your work, I’d love for you to let me know by writing me at amanda@hopeforbpd.com.

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Interested in learning more about dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to treat self-harming behaviors? I’d love for you to check out My Dialectical Life or my course for family members and friends by clicking here.

Coping with Shame and Borderline Personality Disorder

What You Should Know About Shame

Shame is a normal emotion everyone experiences at one time or another.

We experience shame when:
• we are rejected or excluded by others
• remembering a time when we felt exposed, rejected, or abandoned
• someone shares something about us that we’d prefer to keep hidden or secret
• others avoid us
• we need help
• our emotions are invalidated, dismissed, or made fun of
• someone tells us that our values or beliefs are “wrong”
• we are judged inaccurately because of our values or beliefs
• we share something personal or private and that revelation is met with rejection

We may also experience shame around taboo or sensitive topics like sex, money, religion, appearance, race, culture, political beliefs, and a mental health diagnosis.

Shame often goes hand in hand with emotions like guilt, embarrassment, sadness, and anger. For instance, we may lash out at others in anger but underneath that anger is shame.

You may not be surprised to know that some research suggests that individuals with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder may experience excessive shame.

Like all emotions, shame can sometimes be adaptive or helpful when it helps us to identify important values and beliefs. Instead of running from shame or pushing away feelings of shame, we can respond with a healthy curiosity and ask ourselves, "What's bringing up this emotion right now? What can I learn from this shame that I’m feeling?" or "Is shame justified? Will people really reject me if I share this with them?"

As a therapist, I don't always hear about behaviors that create shame in my clients unless we have established a relationship with a lot of trust. My clients need to know that I won't reject or judge them for behaviors that may be destroying their lives or relationships.

They also need to know that family members and friends will not be rejecting.

For family members, friends, and even therapists, the first instinct may be to rush in and try to soothe or reassure the person who is experiencing shame and that's just what Peter Levine, PhD addresses in this video. Because we love, we want to make things better. We say kind words, and may try to tell the person that we're proud of them for sharing something so difficult. 

And, of course, there's a time and a place for soothing others, but when shame is most intense, we may want to simply sit quietly with the person instead of trying to find all the "right" words or doing something to help that person feel better. In that moment, family members and friends with a diagnosis don't need fancy psychological interventions, admonishment, or judgment. 

Skills and Strategies to Help Reduce Shame

I share with my clients that they can reduce (but not necessarily eliminate) the shame they are experiencing by sharing their story with others.

A support group can help and a 12-step program for addictions can consistently help reduce shame while gently encouraging participants to resist behaviors that might create a cycle of shame.

Psychologist Marsha Linehan suggests using the DBT skill of opposite emotion for shame so we can share our stories about what has created shame in our lives. A good DBT therapist can help you take steps to:

• normalize the emotion of shame
• mindfully observe and describe shame, guilt, and embarrassment
• check the facts and help determine if shame is justified
• reduce self-judgments about things that create shame
• self-validate emotions like shame, guilt, and embarrassment
• grieve the things we cannot change
• create healthier, more trusting relationships

As a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) therapist, I've seen how a skills group can also reduce shame among members. When people feel loved and accepted, the emotion of shame becomes more manageable.

Finally, I know that forgiveness and self-forgiveness therapy can help people heal from the wounds that keep them mired in shame and self-compassion work may also reduce excessive shame.

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Interested in learning more about DBT? I’d love for you to check out My Dialectical Life or my course for family members and friends by clicking here.

101 Ideas for Self-Soothing (That Cost Less Than $25)

Bookmark or save this page now. You may need it in the future.

One of ways we help ourselves is to engage in consistent self-care. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs if it means that you are taking care of yourself while your are working toward important goals.

If you are familiar with the distress tolerance and self-soothing skills from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), you may already know about many of these ideas. Ideally, you’ll want to create your own list of healthy coping strategies for when you need them the most.

Remember: Self-care is not selfish. You are worthy of love and healing.

1. Meditation is free and there are tons of YouTube videos for ideas
2. Practice gentle stretching
3. Take a hot, steamy shower to help relieve stress
4. Apply a scented moisturizer to your arms and legs
5. Recite coping statements and write them on your mirror with colored markers
6. Paint your nails the color of your choice
7. Write down your goals you want to achieve
8. Listen to soothing music and create a soothing playlist
9. Watch your favorite movie and or explore new movie options
10. Listen to a podcast
11. Sit outside on a sunny day to promote the release of beta endorphins
12. Light scented candles
13. Bake special goodies for yourself
14. Make yourself chocolate avocado pudding
15. Follow a pretty account on Instagram
16. Text, call, or FaceTime your friends
17. Love your current emotion
18. Drink warm fruit-infused tea
19. Listen to motivating and positive videos
20. Start a DIY project or craft
21. Draw a picture
22. Start a puzzle
23. Organize your week’s schedule to relieve stress
24. Write down a checklist of things you need to get done
25. Clean up and organize your house
26. Drop some essential orange or lemon oil in some water, let the water come to a low boil on your stove
27. Read a new book or re-read previous favorites
28. Indulge in a non-alcoholic beverage like sparking apple cider
29. Listen to nature (birds chipping, leaves rustling, etc.)
30. Walk barefoot on soft grass
31. Pray and give thanks
32. Listen to ASMR videos
33. Use a hot water bottle
34. Go to a very quiet place to sit and listen to your breath
35. Cuddle with someone (friend, spouse, family member) or something (pillows, stuffed animals)
36. Play with your pet
37. Listen to one song mindfully
38. Try sewing or knitting
39. Play a board game or cards
40. Plant a kitchen garden
41. Try scrapbooking
42. Sit by the fireplace
43. Test out different makeup looks and watch makeup tutorials
44. Get 10 minutes of fresh air outside your home
45. Do an at-home workout
46. Take a nap without setting an alarm
47. Play an instrument
48. Sing a song
49. Listen to a sound machine (relaxing sounds of rainfall, ocean waves crashing, etc)
50. Chew gum
51. Squeeze a stress ball
52. Look at a lava lamp
53. Soak your feet in peppermint epsom salts
54. Spend time online shopping (limit your spending to $25)
55. Practice a head stand
56. Create a deeper connection with your inner self by allowing yourself to become very quiet
57. Learn a new language
58. Dance and watch dance video tutorials
59. Wash your bed sheets
60. Ask for help
61. Go to bed early
62. Plan future trips you have been wanting to take
63. Watch something that will make you laugh
64. Remind yourself that things could be worse
65. Think about all the positive people and things in your life
66. Count your blessings
67. Write and or read a poem
68. Make or watch YouTube Videos
69. Make or watch TikTok Videos
70. Look on Pinterest for inspiration for your home or dorm room
71. Look up and write down motivational quotes
72. Wear fuzzy socks
73. Allow yourself to be very quiet and still for five minutes
74. Use a facial roller and massager
75. Binge trending Netflix shows
76. Wear your cutest shoes
77. Start a blog
78. Develop a plan to be more health-conscious
79. Stretch your arms high above your head, hold the pose for as long as you can without locking your arms
80. Start collecting adorable things
81. Look through old photos
82. Watch home videos
83. Drink a cup of hot chocolate
84. Daydream
85. Look at photo or art books in a library
86. Take deep breaths for five minutes (time yourself)
87. Make a vision board
88. Watch inspiring Ted Talks
89. Make an art journal
90. Do a random act of kindness
91. Find a way to show love
92. Research your ancestry
93. Watch online tutorials of things you want to learn to do
94. Color
95. Have a stress-relieving cry
96. Unfollow judgmental people on social media
97. Say no
98. Use foam rollers on your body to decrease soreness, stress, and pain
99. Swing on a swing set at the park
100. Treat yourself to one cupcake
101. Look at the stars or watch the clouds


For more healthy living ideas, consider:

• DBT Self-Help ideas

• Ways to Help Ground Yourself

• Learning New Ways of Coping with DBT

• Finding Reasons to Stay Alive

Don't Validate the Invalid: An Idea from Dialectical Behavior Therapy

Everyone needs validation.

Validation is one of the most helpful tools we have when it comes to communicating to those we love the most. We can validate thoughts, emotions, experiences, values, beliefs, and goals.

With validation can we communicate things like:

You are important.

I understand you.

You matter.

We can verbally validate others and we can validate without ever saying a word.

Of course, validation does not mean agreement. Our goal isn’t to soothe the other person even though validation can be soothing or reassuring.

We also want to be careful to not validate the invalid.

This sometimes happens when the other person wants us to agree with them or show them that we’re on their side. Our beliefs about ourselves and our world often hold us back.

As a DBT therapist, I want to be careful about validating declarations like:

I can’t use any skills to help myself. Nothing will work.

Life will always be hard. No one can ever understand me.

I’m too depressed/anxious/emotional to work again.

I’d be a lousy (and invalidating) therapist if I responded by saying, “You’re right; nothing will ever work. You better give up now.” I’d never say that, however, because it’s not true. Marsha Linehan would say that it’s anti-DBT. Instead I care enough to be honest with my clients about their abilities to cope well in the world.

So I might respond by saying:

Yes, your life is really hard right now, and I think that using a few skills might help you to cope just a bit better.

or

You’re right; the skills may not work. Are you willing to try to use them anyway?

or

Going back to work with anxiety is scary. Let’s come up with a plan to help you lower your anxiety for your job interview. If you get the job, I’ll be available for coaching. We can figure this out together.

Most of us can find a tiny kernel of truth to validate. We might find the kernel of truth in an unspoken thought (“I can’t do it.”) or an emotion (“I’m so afraid that I’ll fail.”).

You might find that a particular way to validate is most effective for you and your loved one. What helps you to reduce misunderstandings and increase healthy communication in your relationships?

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If you are looking for additional information on creating more meaningful communication, please check out the following resources.

• The BPD Wellness Planner for Families by Amanda L. Smith

• The Power of Validation by Karyn Hall and Melissa Cook

• Genuine Validation: Compassionate Communication That Transforms Difficult Relationships at Home and Work by Corrine Stoewsand

• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

Can You Diagnose Yourself with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder (or BPD) is a diagnosis that often carries with it both controversy and confusion. BPD isn’t all one thing or another and tv shows (like Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) and movies (such as Rachel Getting Married or Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) sometimes inadvertently add to the stigma of the diagnosis for some but may help to validate the diagnosis for others.

But men and women with a diagnosis of BPD can be the exact opposite of what is sometimes portrayed in the media. They may be smart, engaging, loyal, compassionate, and painfully self-aware.

Can you diagnose yourself with BPD?

The short answer is both yes and no. There are pros and cons to self-diagnosis as well as being diagnosed by therapists, social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists.

Yes, you can diagnose yourself with BPD.

As a DBT therapist, many clients call me or come to my office having researched borderline personality disorder and believe that they meet diagnostic criteria (as defined by the American Psychiatric Association’s DSM-5) for BPD. Almost 100% of the time, my assessment concurs with their self-diagnosis.

I’m a huge fan of clients who have read about borderline personality disorder as a way to understand themselves and the diagnosis. I believe that well-educated clients who are proactive in getting treatment have an greater chance at feeling better sooner.

We could also argue that you are the expert in your own experience—not someone you just met. You might conclude: Who knows you better than you?

No, you cannot diagnose yourself with BPD.

We could also make the case that it’s better if you can have a diagnosis made by a licensed mental health professional who is able—over many sessions—to make an in-depth assessment using a variety of tools. This will include an interview where you’ll be asked lots of questions.

The symptoms of BPD often overlap with such diagnoses of bipolar disorder, ADHD, OCD, depression, and anxiety. People with BPD may also share characteristics of several other personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, and schizotypal personality disorder.

Because people can have multiple diagnoses, it may be important to have an independent psychological evaluation completed by someone with extensive training and experience. This individual may be in a position to help you to understand your diagnosis and assist you in making some decisions about your next steps in treatment. Understanding those options may be more challenging when you are diagnosing yourself.

You are a unique person—not a diagnosis.

Finally, it may also be true that diagnoses (or “labels”) are not helpful for many people to understand themselves.

Your identification doesn’t have to come from a diagnosis. People aren’t “borderline” but they may have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. We would never tell someone, “You’re just a diabetic.” How we nonjudgmentally describe ourselves matters to us and it matters to others.

Many individuals decide to only focus on ways in which they can feel better, improve their ability to cope with difficult emotions, create healthier relationships, and achieve important academic or vocational goals. We can make the argument that a diagnosis of BPD (or any other mental health diagnosis) isn’t important at all—wellness or recovery is the ultimate goal.

Please don’t let a diagnosis define you or your future.

Recommendations for Learning More about BPD

If you want to learn more about borderline personality disorder, I can strongly recommend checking out these books:

• Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for the Newly Diagnosed

• Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery

• The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families

You may also be interested in reading:

• How to Recover from Borderline Personality Disorder

• Treating Borderline Personality Disorder without Medications

• How to Let BPD Ruin Your Life

Interested in learning more about getting a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder or understanding your treatment options? Click here to learn more about my practice.

Who Can Diagnose Borderline Personality Disorder?

A licensed mental health professional can diagnose someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

In the United States, this may include a:

• psychiatrist (MD or DO)
• psychologist (PhD or PsyD)
• clinical social worker (LCSW or LICSW)
• licensed professional counselor (LPC)
• licensed mental health counselor (LMHC)
• marriage and family therapist (LMFT or MFT)
• psychiatric nurse or nurse practitioner

In many smaller or rural communities, a family doctor or family physician may also be in a position to diagnose borderline personality disorder.

Depending on state licensing, some professions (or paraprofessionals) cannot diagnose BPD. These individuals might be a(n):

• caseworker or case managers
• peer support worker or peer support professional
• undergraduate or graduate student
• life coach or personal development coach

If you are interested in getting a diagnosis, you should find someone who specializes in the treatment of borderline personality disorder. A lot of wonderful, well-educated mental health professionals don’t specialize in the treatment of personality disorders so it helps if you can identify someone who has training and experience in using evidence-based treatments like dialectical behavior therapy and mentalization-based treatment.

Getting a Diagnosis of BPD: What to Ask a Professional

The first step in reaching out can be scary. When you are contacting a licensed mental health professional for the first time, you can start the conversation by asking:

• Does your license allow you to diagnose borderline personality disorder?

• I’ve been reading about borderline personality disorder and it sounds like I have some of the symptoms. Can you diagnose me?

• A friend told me about borderline personality disorder and I’d like to learn more. Do you help to diagnose BPD?

• I want to learn more about borderline personality disorder. Can you diagnose me if we meet in person?

• My girlfriend wants me to get tested for borderline personality disorder. Can you help me?

• A therapist once said that I might have BPD but I don’t know if she meant borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. Can you diagnose me and help me to understand my mood swings?

• I don’t think that I have borderline personality disorder but I’d like to understand my depression and anxiety better. If I meet with you, can you tell me if I have borderline personality disorder?

• I’m looking for someone who specializes in borderline personality disorder. Can you help me?

or, simply

• Do you help people with borderline personality disorder?

How Long Does it Take to Diagnose BPD?

A licensed mental health professional will use a book called the DSM-5 to help diagnose BPD.

Some professionals may ask you to complete specific assessments while others may ask a lot of open-ended questions about you, your family history, and what kind of problems you may want to work on in treatment. Most professionals will use a combination of assessments and an interview that may take place anywhere over one to six hours.

Feel free to ask your mental health professional how they assess for and diagnose borderline personality disorder.

Your First Steps in Getting Help for BPD

That next phone call or email contact may be difficult to make but your emotional health is worth it. Learning more about yourself and your mind is not only responsible but also emotionally healthy.

If possible, ask a friend or a family member to help you find someone who can assess you and your symptoms. This is a less scary endeavor when we ask others for their nonjudgmental support and encouragement.

Be sure to tell the licensed mental health professional if you are thinking of harming yourself or others. We can only begin to heal when we share this information with others. This is your opportunity to talk about something important in a safe environment.

You Are Not a Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

There are many parts to you and a mental health diagnosis is just one small part.

Please don’t imagine that you can be wholly defined by a diagnosis or label. Getting help for a problem you cannot solve on your own doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. Emotionally healthy people ask for help all the time.

Getting help can be an important part of your life story. As someone who specializes in diagnosing and treating BPD, I believe that you are inherently worthy of healing.

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Please also check out:

DBT Self Help

How to Recover from BPD

Treating BPD Without Drugs

Help for Families

37 Validating Statements (A Quick Cheat Sheet for When You Are Stuck)

Validation means that we are acknowledging another person’s emotions, thoughts, experiences, values, and beliefs. Validation isn’t about agreeing, placating, “fixing” the other person, trying to get someone to change, or repeating back what the other person has said.

Why validate? Validation is essential to meaningful connection. We all need validation at one time or another. Consistent and purposeful validation helps us to build relationships. Using validation as a dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skill communicates to the other person, “You are important. Our relationship matters.”

If you are looking to validate someone in your life, try out one of these statements or questions:

• Thank you for…
• I’m so happy that you’re in my life.
• I believe in you.
• I love it when you…
• I believe in us.
• We are going to get through this.
• Tell me more about…
• How are you feeling today?
• I’m sorry that I hurt you.
• Help me to understand what you’re thinking.
• I don’t know what I’d do without you.
• You are having a sad/tough/yucky day.
• Thank you for being wonderfully you.
• What happened? (Avoid asking, “What is wrong?”)
• Our family sticks together.
• It makes sense that you feel…
• It makes sense that you think…
• I want to hear about your morning/afternoon/day.
• I’ve noticed that you…
• I wonder if you…
• I need your help with…
• Thank you for being someone I can trust.
• What do you need from me right now?
• It meant a lot to me when you…
• What you are thinking/feeling is normal.
• How can I help?
• I value your ability to…
• I believe we can figure this out together.
• I’m proud of you.
• Will you forgive me for…?
• I love you.
• Can I get your opinion on…?
• You’re right.
• You were right.
• It’s the two of us against the world.
• Your emotions make sense.
• I feel the same way.

What works best for you in your relationship? How are you validating those who you care about the most?

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