The interpersonal effectiveness skills were developed by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan in the 1980s as a part of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
The DEAR MAN skills help remind us that we can ask us for what we want or need. We can even use DEAR MAN to say no to others.
D = describe the situation, event, or problem
E = express your thoughts or emotions
A = ask or assert
R = reinforce or reward (a “thank you” can work well)
M = be mindful and stick with just one topic
A = appear confident
N = negotiate if necessary
The other interpersonal effectiveness skills in DBT are GIVE (to help us improve our relationships with others) and FAST (to help us improve our self-respect).
If you are looking for ways to practice the DEAR MAN skill, consider asking:
• your boss for paid time off next Wednesday afternoon
• for a secret menu drink at Sonic (don’t use the app!)
• a roommate to take out the trash
• for help filling out your diary card or with your skills group homework
• your child to volunteer with you at a local animal shelter
• your best friend to review your Bumble or CoffeeMeetsBagel profile
• a stranger for a recommendation about a good local restaurant
• for extra time to pay your phone bill
• your therapist for extra validation during your next session
• a spouse or partner to go on a date
• your Uber driver to take a different route
• a friend to check in with you on a tough day
• for the best seat at your favorite restaurant
• a family member to tell you about the strengths they see in you
• for honest feedback from your therapist
• a professor to allow you to take an exam a day early or a day late
• for a 10% discount on your next car repair
• a work colleague to go to the movies with you
• a question at a local Apple Genius Bar
• help with washing the dishes
• for a credit card late fee to be waived
• your school’s accommodations office for information about their services
• a family member to listen to your recovery story
• a favorite author for advice about writing
• your neighbor to walk your dog or feed your cat while you’re away
• a stranger to take a photo of you and a friend on the street
• a friend to share their advice about a relationship problem
• for an informational interview at a company, business, or nonprofit organization you admire
Now asking for what we want or need can be scary because it often puts us in a vulnerable position. Rejection Proof by Jia Jiang is a book I love to recommend to my clients. It’s all about facing rejection and has many examples of DEAR MAN and the skill of opposite action.
I also like to recommend All You Need to Do is Ask by Wayne Baker.
For additional information about DBT, check out:
DBT Self-Help